Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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