Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
