oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize