I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
