Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
