He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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