I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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