Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
