You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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