you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
