I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
