My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
