grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
