Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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