Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
