I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
