I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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