New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
