I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
