one might say we're banned from that church
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
