your parents love me but you hate me
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Randomize