Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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