If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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