Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
