I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
