How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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