my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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