I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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