im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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