i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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