I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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