dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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