My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
