I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
