The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
