I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
