Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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