me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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