She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
