Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
