i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
