I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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