This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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