so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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