If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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