There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
