I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
