All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize