Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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