I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
