He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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