FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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