Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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