so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize