doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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