I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
