i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
