My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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