I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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